Rollercoaster of emotions

So. Yesterday was a hard day for me.

May 15th I had to go into the Drs office for Intramuscular Lupron shot. (Goes in the butt/high hip area) I was thankful that my husband was able to take me. He had to learn how to give me my #PIO shots properly, and I figured in person would be best. So he watched the nurse give me the Depot Lupron shot 3.75ml in the same spot that the progesterone shot will be administered. The Depot Lupron is medicine that works with your pituitary gland and shuts down your ovaries, until you are ready to start the medication for your FET. (#frozenembryotransfer) It basically washes your hormones to a clean slate. That can cause #Depression and hot flashes amongst other side effects.

So all of my estrogen has been depleated from my body from my mini menopause shot, (to which my husband asked the nurse if he needed to hide for the rest of the day, 😂) I also had my blood drawn the same day, and then the following day, May 16th, Thursday morning I had surgery. I had another #hysteroscopy to make sure my uterus was still primed and ready to go. (Typical before transfer)

I was feeling like a complete failure after coming out of surgery because A, after being put under anesthesia for the fourth time in two months, I am convinced I woke up groggier than the first few times, and B, they found a polyp. Even though my doctor told me everything looked perfect after they removed it and I was in tip top shape. God willing we will be ready to go for transfer.

I started getting myself worked up in my own head, and couldn’t stay off google. It was awful.

I then shoved my phone under my pillow because I realized this wasn’t healthy, and prayed that tomorrow, would be better. I felt even worse about myself because I was being down. I told myself I knew better. Didn’t change the way I felt.

So come Friday, I was still in a bit of a funk, but was looking forward to the day. A slight change of plans allowed Nick and I to have lunch with his mom in Ann Arbor. Anyways, on the way home I’m driving along down the road, and I get stuck in traffic. I look down and see the slight bruises on both of my arms, from the blood draw on the left, and the IV on the right, & not to mention the slight bruise on my backside. It hit me. “You know what?“ I thought to myself...

Kalee, you are bad ass.

Look at everything you have been through in two days!! Your moment of weakness is not a fault. You, are, a, warrior.

It is ok, to have that pity party. I let myself have my moment, and was honest with myself and how I felt and that was okay.

So you had a bad day yesterday, you are allowed and don’t beat yourself up over it.

You are human, and a freaking bad ass!! Look at everything you are going through and give yourself a break. Take a day and go ahead and throw yourself pity party. It’s normal. It is normal to have those feelings. Angry, sad, scared, fuck, downright terrified. Just be sure you get back up, and move towards your goal of conceiving.

It’s near the end of what WILL be a positive outcome for Nick and I. After my realization today, I feel much calmer, and back to myself. Hell, it’s probably the side effects of the depot shot finally wearing off. (Side effects are 24-48 hours) I’m just glad I cut myself some slack, and pressed forward: you have too. It’s all apart of the journey.